I bartended for years and heard alot of decent jokes so figured a joke thread would be fun...I'll start it off with a few rather new ones..

Dear Tech Support:
>
> Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that
> the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of
> space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into
> all other programs and now monitors all other system activity.
Applications
> such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and
Racing
> 3.6 I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to
run
> my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0,
> but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help!
>
> Thanks,
>
> A Troubled User. (KEEP READING)
> ______________________________________
>
> REPLY:
> Dear Troubled User:
>
> This is a very common problem that men complain about.
>
> Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is
> just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING
SYSTEM
> and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible
to
> delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to
> uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.
>
> You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not
> allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child
> Support. I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the
> situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to
> alleviate software augmentation.
>
> The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because
> ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system
> will return to normal anyway.
>
>
> Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance.
> Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0,
> Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2.
>
> However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will
cause
> the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only
> way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional
> software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 !
>
>
> WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short
> Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause
> irreversible damage to the operating system.
>
> Best of luck,


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A new, young MD doing his residency in OB was quite embarrassed performing female pelvic exams. To cover his embarrassment he
had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom he was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing
and further embarrassed him. He looked up from his work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" She replied, "No doctor, but
the song you were whistling was, "I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener"
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A couple are having dinner at a restaurant and the husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years a go? We went behind this very tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."
"Yes, she says, "I remember it well."
"Ok," he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"
“Oh Charlie, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but very good idea!"
There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this, and having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, "I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble." So he follows them.
They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks. Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence.
The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in. Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The Policeman, still watching thinks, "This was truly amazing. I've got to ask them what their secret is!"
As the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"
The old man says, "Fifty years ago, that wasn't an electric fence!"
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Need a job too much when this happens!!!!!!!!
> Leaving work early
> Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss.Each
> day, they noticed the boss left work early. One day the girls decided
> that, when the boss left, they would leave right behind her. After all,
> she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went
> home early?
> The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little
> gardening,spent playtime with her son and went to bed early. The redhead
> was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before
> meeting a dinner date.
> The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband,but when
> she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly
> and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her
> husband in bed with her lady boss. Gently, she closed the door and crept
> out of her house.
> The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to
> leave early again and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with
> them.
> "No way," the blonde exclaimed.
> "I almost got caught yesterday!"
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A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle. For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.

However, if she is menstruating or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with scissors lodged in his temple and duct tape over his mouth while he is on fire.

No further studies are expected.
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TEQUILA - THE MIRACLE CURE


Do you have feelings of inadequacy?

Do you suffer from shyness?

Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Tequila.

Tequila is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. Tequila can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything. You will notice the benefits of Tequila almost immediately, and with a regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live. Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past, and you will discover many talents you never knew you had.

Stop hiding and start living, with Tequila. Tequila may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use Tequila. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.

Side effects may include: dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, erotic lustfulness, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, loss of all dignity and integrity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister.
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Bartenders Psychology:

Before you order a drink in public, you should read this!
Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman's
personality based on what she drinks. Though interviewed separately, they
concurred on almost all counts.


The results: Females
Drink: Beer
Personality: Casual, low-maintenance; down to earth.
Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.

Drink: Blender Drinks
Personality: Flaky, whiny, annoying; a pain in the ass.
Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabana boy.

Drink: Mixed Drinks
Personality: Older, more refined, high maintenance, has very picky taste;
knows EXACTLY what she wants.
Your Approach: You won't have to approach her. If she's interested, she'll
send YOU a drink..................

Drink: Wine (does not include White Zinfandel)
Personality: Conservative and classy; sophisticated yet giggles.
Your Approach: Tell her you love to travel and spend quiet evenings with
friends.

Drink: White Zinfandel
Personality: Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated, actually, she has
NO clue.
Your Approach: Make her feel smarter than she is...this should be an easy
target.

Drink: Shots
Personality: Likes to hang with frat-boy pals and looking to get
totally drunk ... and naked.
Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. You have been blessed. Nothing to
do but wait, however, be careful not to make her mad!

Drink: Tequila
No explanations required -- everyone just KNOWS what happens there.

THEN, there is the MALE addendum ----

The deal with guys is, as always, very simple and clear cut:

Domestic Beer: He's poor and wants to get laid.

Imported Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get laid.

Wine: He is hoping that the wine will give him a sophisticated image to help
him get laid.

Whiskey: He doesn't give a damn about anything but getting laid.

Tequila: He is thinking he has a chance with the toothless waitress.

White Zinfandel: He's gay
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A Womans FIVE Secrets to a Great Relationship:

1. It is important to find a man who works around the house, occasionally cooks and cleans, and who has a job.
2. It is important to find a man who makes you laugh.
3. It is important to find a man who is dependable and doesn't lie.
4. It is important to find a man who's good in bed and who loves to have
sex with you.
5. It is VERY important that these four men never meet

heheh

One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the
pastor of a small Florida church found a pink envelope containing
$1000. It happened again the next week. The following Sunday, he
watched as the offering was collected and saw a little old lady put the
distinctive pink envelope in the plate. This went on for weeks until
the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.

"Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the
collection plate," he stated.

"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and I give
some of it to the church."

The pastor replied, "That's wonderful, how much does he send you?"

The old lady said, "$10,000 a week."

The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful; what does he do
for a living?"

"He is a veterinarian," she answered.

"That is an honorable profession," the pastor said. "Where does he
practice?"

The old lady said proudly, "In Nevada. He has two cat houses in Las
Vegas and one in Reno."

That electric fence one was good!

http://photoshopcontest.com/boards/viewtopic.php?t=3264

OK, lets see if I can remember this one,

3 Nuns are in line for confession, the 1st nun, is asked by the priest, if she has ever had sex with a man, she says no, but that she had held a mans penis in her hand, and that was as far as it went, so the priest tells the nun to put her hand in the Holy Water and say 3 Hail Mary's, the next thing you know, the other 2 nuns start to argue about their place in line, when the priest ask's, what all the commotion is about?, that's when the 3rd. nun in line says, "don't expect me to gargle that holy water after she dips her ass in it!"

The Seven Dwarfs go to the Vatican, and because they are "the seven dwarfs," they get ushered in to see the Pope.

Dopey leads the pack.

"Dopey my son," says the Pope, "what can I do for you?"

Dopey asks, "Excuse me, Your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns In Rome?"

The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment And answers, "No Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome."

In the background a few of the dwarfs begin giggling. Dopey turns around and gives them a glare, silencing them.

Dopey turns back to face the Pope. "Your Worship, are there any dwarf Nuns in all of Europe?"

The Pope, puzzled again, thinks for a moment and then answers, "No Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in all of Europe."

This time all the other dwarfs burst into laughter.

Once again, Dopey turns around and silences them all with an angry glare.

Dopey turns back to the Pope and says, "Mr. Pope, are there ANY dwarf Nuns in the whole world?"

The Pope answers, "I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere In the world."

The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling, and laughing, pounding on the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks as they begin chanting:

"Dopey screwed a penguin!"

"Dopey screwed a penguin!"

Man goes to confessional..."Bless me father, for I have sinned..."

Priest asks, "What sins do you have to confess?"

Man says, "Well, father, I was with 7 women last night."

Priest says, "I want you to go out to the garden and gather up 7 lemons, squeeze them and don't add any water. Then I want you to drink the juice."

The man responds, "And that will absolve me from my sin?"

"No," the priest responds, "but it'll wipe that smile off your face."

Guy walks into a bar with an alligator on a leash in one hand and a baseball bat in the other.
"Hey bartender, give me a beer", says the guy.
Bartender says " I don't alow pets in this bar, so you're gonna have to leave."
" Aww com'on, he does a really amazing trick" says the guy " I'll show ya and if it's amazing enough to you, can I at least stay for one beer?'
" Ohh alright " says the bartender "but this better be good!"

So the guy proceeds to unzip his pants and pull out his penus. He then opens the gator's mouth , chomps it down onto his penis, and with the baseball bat in the other hand starts beating on the gator's head.
Guy screams in pain "SEE AND HE HASN'T EVEN FLINCHED. SO CAN I HAVE A BEER NOW?
"Hell yeah, that was pretty amazing" says the bartender "and any other guy in here that wants ta give that a try, your next drink is on the house!"

An old man in the back of the bar pops his head up and says "Sure I'll give that a go if ya just dont beat on my head so hard!"

A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant and the
husband keeps staring at a drunken lady swigging her gin as she sits
alone at a nearby table.
The wife asks, "Do you know her"?
"Yes," sighs the husband. "She's my ex-wife. She took to drinking
right after we divorced seven years ago and I hear she hasn't been
sober since."
"My God!" says the wife, "Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long ."

BORING! YEESH!

gee LD I think thats why you have the option of opening a thread or not