Mrs. Cohen came home from her Sisterhood meeting at the synagogue. She was very excited, and explained to her husband that the guest at the meeting had been a wonderful hypnotist. Mr. Cohen then mentioned that attendance was down at the Saturday services. Maybe they should hire the hypnotist to bring in a crowd. He talked it over with the rabbi, who thought it was a terrific idea. After lots of publicizing, the synagogue was filled for the Sabbath service. The hypnotist withdrew a pocket watch. As the crowd observed, mesmerized, the hypnotist began, "Vatch the vatch. Vatch the vatch. Vatch the vatch." The congregants carefully observed, their eyes following the sway of the watch. "Vatch the vatch," the hypnotist continued. Then, accidentally, the watch fell out of his hand. "Shit!" he cried. Took them three weeks to clean up the synagogue...

After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed. The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process. After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had just about decided to call it a day. But just then, an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringers job. Incredulously, the bishop blurted out, "But. . .but...you have no arms!" "No matter," said the man: "Observe!" And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment, convinced he had finally found a suitable replacement for Quasimodo. But suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window, falling to his death in the street below. The stunned bishop rushed to his side. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before. As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?" "I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied, "but his face rings a bell"

{WAIT! WAIT! Not through yet}

The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist (now there's a word-of-the-day...), the bishop continued his interviews for a new bell ringer of Notre Dame. The first man to approach him said, "Your Excellency, I am the brother of the poor armless wretch who fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honor his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty." The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and, as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest, and died on the spot. Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side. "What has happened? Who is this man?" the first monk asked breathlessly.

(Are you really ready for this?}

"I don't know his name," sighed the distraught bishop... "....But he's a dead ringer for his brother."

dead ringer... *groan*

......................................................................................

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office
and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.

"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."

The redhead takes her finger, pushes on her breast and screams.
Then she pushes on her elbow and screams in even more agony.
She then pushes on her knee and screams again; likewise she
pushes on her ankle and screams. Everywhere she touches makes
her scream in agony.

The doctor says, "You're not really a redhead, are you?"

"Well, no" she says, "I'm actually a blonde."

"I thought so," the doctor says. "Your finger is broken."

The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so Gomer, who was not exactly the sharpest nail in the bucket, went in to try out for the job.
"Okay," the sheriff drawled, "Gomer, what is 1 and 1?"
"11" he replied.
The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but he's right. What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?"
"Today and tomorrow."
The sheriff was again surprised that Gomer supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself.
"Now Gomer, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?"
Gomer looked a little surprised himself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know."
"Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?"
So, Gomer wandered over to the barbershop where his pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. Gomer was exultant. "It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"

What did the hurricane say to the palm tree?

Hold on to your nuts because this is no ordinary blow job!

why is santa's (st. nikolas) sack sooo big?
because he is coming only once a year

--1st--

A dutchman, an African and a chinese went to the jungle. Once they were there they were pretty thirsty so they asked the chief of the local tribe if he had something to drink. The chief took them to a small pond and said: "You can drink this water, but be carefull, if the temperature is below 15 degrees Celcius, the water is toxic. the problem is, we don't have a thermometer." The 3 guy's didn't have a thermometer either but the chinese guy said: "I can feel how warm the water is with my penis" So he took his penis out of his pants and put it in the water. "The water is excactly 15 degrees" he said. The dutchman didn't trust the chinese so he wanted to test the temperature with his own penis. he took his penis out of his pants and put it in the water. "it is excactly 14,8 degrees" he said. The African thought. "That's too cold, so it's toxic, but i'm still thirsty".... He took his penis out of his pants and put it in the water. "AND..?? how warm is it?? " the chinese and the dutchman said together...
the african answered. "I really don't know, but i do know that the pond is excactly 8 ft deep"....



--2nd--

Osama bin Laden died and he went to hell. He came in hell and met the devil.
The devil gave him 3 choices how to live in hell. There were 3 doors. He opened door number 1 and Osama saw hitler. He was writing in a book. Osama asked "What is he doing?" The devil answered : "He his writing all of his bad things in a book and is supposed to do that for as long as he is here." Osama thought "That isnt so cool."
The devil opened door number 2 and there was Stalin. He was lying on the ground with a lot of pain because of a pineapple in his ass. Osama thought "That is even wors"...
The devil opened door number 3 and there was Bill Clinton and Monica Lewinsky. She was giving him a blowjob. Osama said: "THAT's the way i want to live here !!!"
so the devil said: "O.K. Monica, you are free to go, Osama takes over !!!"

Michael Jackson is on a plane with some of his little kid-friends.
The pilot screams "Mr.Jackson"! so Michael walks to the cockpit...the pilot says, the plane isn't working anymore...we are going to crash!! And we have only 2 parachutes! one for you and one for me...
than Michael asks, what about the children?! The pilot: F**k the children!!
Michael: Is there still time?

The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is
tough. It takes up a lot of your time.
What do you get at the end of it? Death.
I think the life cycle is all backwards. Here's how it should go:
You should die first, you know, start out dead, and get it out of the way.
You wake up in an old age home, feeling better everyday.
You get kicked out for being too healthy, go collect your pension, then,
when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.
You work 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You
drink alcohol, you party, you're generally promiscuous (hey, you've only
got a few years left, what's the big deal?!?) and you get ready for
secondary school.
Then you go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, you have no
responsibilities, and, finally, you become a baby;
The last step, you spend your last 9 months floating peacefully with
luxuries like central heating, spa, room service on tap, larger quarters
everyday, and then -
You finish off as an orgasm!

That's how it should be.

whahahaha, that's sooo funny meaty

ooo come on...joking? .I love beer...shiitt..... ooo ....may be it's why recentlyI can sing like Maria Carey....damn

A woman and her selfish, ill-tempered, lazy, snoring husband went on
vacation to the Holy Land. While they were there, the husband passed
away. The undertaker told the woman, "You can have him shipped home for
$5,000; or you can bury him here, in the Holy Land, for $150."

The woman thought about it and told the undertaker she would just
have him shipped home. The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend
$5,000 to ship your husband home, when it would be wonderful to be
buried here and you would spend only $150?" She replied, "Long ago a
man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the
dead. I just can't take that chance."

that's a funny one. i love the beer article too.
it's too late for me to think of a joke, but I thought my entry today was pretty funny
http://photoshopcontest.com/view-entry/97464/look-very-closely.html