5am and I couldn't sleep. Checked out PSC for the first time in ages and there you were!
It's been a long time since I've slept on your couch. You still got a couch? I hope you do.
Can't sleep well lately because I've been having anxiety attacks for about a 1/2 year. Some nights my body/mind leave me alone. Others, like tonight, not so much.
According to others I'm a great guy and I know I got love coming at me from a number of different angles... yet I don't feel very safe at the moment being in this body, being in my life. I seem to be on a downward path.
And I don't mean like "down and out" or "down into hell" or "into oblivion". I mean DOWN into MYSELF; I'm digging deeper into who I am. I've got a new life started up here - left a 9 year relationship at the end of 2011, did that with as much love on both sides as possible yet still a hard thing to do. I have a new relationship with a wonderful woman that challenges me and aligns with me. I am thinking that being an "artist" for a living isn't working for me and I may go back to being a therapist and workshop leader. Frankly, the ground under my feet feels more like a skateboard to me at the moment, rather than solid earth. For you this might be a good thing! For me, as I said before, not so much.
I say all this to slowly get around to this point: you are living your life, Matt. Good, bad, ugly. I see you engaged in life around you - I've met some of your friends - good folks. (Maybe you just showed me the good ones?
) You live in a beautiful part of the planet. And I know you've got your demons. We ALL have our demons... some of us are just crazy enough to actually face them and dance with them and, if we are lucky, make friends with them. That doesn't actually make us "fucked up" people. It makes us courageous and rather more real people. If we survive the dance, we can come out with much bigger hearts and with much deeper compassion for others.
Don't ever think these challenges/demons/attitudes makes you broken or unlovable or unacceptable... It most likely means part of you is awake and the sleeping part is trying to wake up even more. It isn't a perfect world so it is hard at times to wake to ugly parts of it...Yet, in my experience, I've always found a beauty hidden in the darkest pieces of shit.
Many won't understand what you do, why you do it, or where you are coming from. Usually its the folks that think they have it figured out... it can be annoying to them to see someone pointing out the "Man behind the curtain" as they'd rather just have the Wizard look after them instead of taking responsibility for their own lives or admitting that we all have the same power in our lives. Yet your true friends will respect your journey, help you where they can... do their best to understand the real you. Your true friends will probably be on a similar journey DOWNWARD. Which is kinda crazy as it tends to lift us UP, this downward journey into our selves.
I feel for you, bro. I've met you and hung with you. You are a good guy. Like many creative people I've met and hung with, you are in touch with a lot more of yourself than you may give yourself credit for. I just wish and hope that you, and all those of us who are willing to look at both sides of our life's coin, remember that we are doing something courageous and, at times, dangerous. Not all pride is evil - allowing some pride to happen is appropriate at times - being a human is a tough job and those of us doing our best to do it FULLY deserve a high five and a shot of tequilla at times. Oh, and hugs. LOTS of hugs!
Okay - I'm gonna go lie back down now.
To those of you who read all the above, thanks for giving me your time and attention. Matt? You rock, dude. And rocks can be hard and lumpy and they can be flowing and beautiful. Shine on, you crazy diamond!