There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they
made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.

Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she
would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in
the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights.
She looked down and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure
device... a vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.

She went completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard," She screamed at
him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain
yourself!"

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "I'll explain
the toy ...
you explain the kids."

HA!! liked that one sage !!

3 old ladies where sitting on a park bench. Ethel, Marge and Bessie. Just then a flasher runs up to them, opens his coat and exposes himself to the 3 ladies. Immediately Ethel has a stroke. Marge has a stroke also. But Bessie, being feeble and weak couldn't reach that far.

Oh...you heard that one before?

HA!

starting trouble again?

From "Car Talk":
http://www.cartalk.com/content/read-on/2003/11.29.html

Ray and Tom are sitting next to each other on a long flight from L.A. to Paris.

Ray leans over to the Tom and asks if he would like to play a fun game.

Tom just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

Ray persists and explains that the game is real easy and a lotta fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $5."

Again, Tom politely declines and tries to get to sleep. Ray, now somewhat exasperated, says, "OK, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $50!"

This catches Tom's attention, and he sees no end to this torment unless he plays, so he agrees to the game. Ray asks the first question. "What's the exact distance from the earth to the moon?"

Tom doesn't say a word, but reaches into his wallet, pulls out a five-dollar bill and hands it to Ray.

Now, it's Tom's turn. He asks Ray, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down on four?"

Ray looks over at him with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all of his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the 'net and the Library of Congress.

Frustrated, he sends e-mails to his co-workers -- all to no avail. After about an hour, he wakes Tom and hands him $50.

Tom politely takes the $50 and turns away to try to get back to sleep.

Ray, more than a little miffed, shakes Tom and asks, "Well, so what's the answer?"

Without a word, Tom reaches into his wallet, hands Ray $5, and turns away to get back to sleep.

Ok ok.... How do you make a fool wait?

huh-uh, I'm not falling for that one again.

good one, caf!

OK, stop me if you've heard this one before:


A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for a few years.

One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant.

Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to have the child. If she stayed in Italy,
he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but wondered how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to mail him a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.

"Honey," she said, "you received a very strange post card today."

"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said.

The wife obeyed, and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without."

A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf... Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course. The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful!
Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us." So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, "Come on in." When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window.

A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my window?" "Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.
"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself."
"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."
"No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the leastI can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!"
"And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked.
"I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world," she said. "Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will
always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"
"And now," the couple asked in unison, what's your wish, genie?"
"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife."
The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"
She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?" "You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. I'd do the same for you!"

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. After about three hours of non-stop pleasure, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked,
"How old are you and your husband?"
"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.
"No Kidding." He said,
"Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies? Amazing!"

Q: What did the mummy buffalo say to her child
as he left for school?
A: Bison.

Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees the Big Bad Wolf crouched down behind a log. "My, what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf," says Little Red Riding Hood. The surprised wolf jumps up and runs away!!!

Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again; this time he is crouched behind a tree stump. "My, what big ears you have, Mr. Wolf," says Little Red Riding Hood. Again the wolf jumps up and runs away.

About 2 miles down the road, Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again, this time crouched down behind a road sign. "My what big teeth you have, Mr. Wolf," taunts Little Red Riding Hood.

With that the Big Bad Wolf jumps up and screams, "Will you get lost! I'm trying to poop!"

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor, crawled painfully onto a stool at the counter and order a banana split.

The waitress took his order and asked "Crushed nuts?"

"No," he replied, "it's just arthritis."

Mrs. Cohen came home from her Sisterhood meeting at the synagogue. She was very excited, and explained to her husband that the guest at the meeting had been a wonderful hypnotist. Mr. Cohen then mentioned that attendance was down at the Saturday services. Maybe they should hire the hypnotist to bring in a crowd. He talked it over with the rabbi, who thought it was a terrific idea. After lots of publicizing, the synagogue was filled for the Sabbath service. The hypnotist withdrew a pocket watch. As the crowd observed, mesmerized, the hypnotist began, "Vatch the vatch. Vatch the vatch. Vatch the vatch." The congregants carefully observed, their eyes following the sway of the watch. "Vatch the vatch," the hypnotist continued. Then, accidentally, the watch fell out of his hand. "Shit!" he cried. Took them three weeks to clean up the synagogue...