Hahahahaha Paul!


O.K. It's not a joke, something real, but funny anyway... I think!
There's a little village in Gaspésie, eastern part of Québec. The name of that village is Les Méchins. You know how we call the people living there? Les Méchinois! Hahahahaha! You didn't catch it? Méchinois in French... if I'm translating just by the way it sounds, we call them "chinese food"! Mets chinois --- chinese food!!!

Thanks! I think that is too fookin funny.

I like the barcode on the jeans

Thats better than a chicken with a noose below the knee

I can relate!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, "Hello."

"Mrs. Ward, please."

"Speaking."


"Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory. When your doctor sent your husband's biopsy to the lab yesterday, a biopsy from another Mr. Ward arrived as well, and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly the results are either bad or terrible."

"What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asks nervously.

"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's, and the other one tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell which is your husband's."


"That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Ward.


"Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time."

"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

"The people at Medicare recommend that
you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."

NEW DRUGS FOR WOMEN






DAMNITOL
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours.

EMPTYNESTROGEN
Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out.

ST. MOMMA'S WORT
Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days.

PEPTOBIMBO
Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out
increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception.

DUMBEROL
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.

FLIPITOR
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

MENICILLIN
Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, "You make me want to be a better person. "

BUYAGRA
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree.

JACKASSPIRIN
Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet seat.

ANTI-TALKSIDENT
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.

NAGAMENT
When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him.








I don't write this stuff,

I saw this coming






Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2007 models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$90,000"
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000"
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand if it's really a pretty good price.
"WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!!
MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open. He smiles and asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to.

hilarious!!!!

Due to the popularity of the Survivor shows, Texas is planning to do one
entitled, "Survivor-Texas Style."


The contestants will all start in Dallas, then drive to Waco, Austin, San
Antonio, over to Houston and down to Brownsville. They will then proceed up
to Del Rio, El Paso, Midland, Odessa, Lubbock and Amarillo. From there they
will go on to Abilene, Fort Worth and finally back to Dallas.


Each will be driving a pink hybrid car with bumper stickers that read: "I'm
Gay", "I Love the Dixie Chicks", "Boycott Beef", "I Voted for John Kerry",
"George Strait Sucks", "Hillary in 2008" and "I'm here to confiscate your
gun".


The first one to make it back to Dallas alive wins.

Making a Baby...

The Smiths were unable to conceive
children and decided to use a surrogate father to
start their family. On the day the proxy father was to
arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said,
"Well, I'm off now The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door
baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell,
hoping to make a sale.

Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to...'' Oh,
no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed,
"I've been expecting you." "Have you really?" said the
photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies
are my specialty?"

"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please
come in and have a seat" After a moment she asked,
blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the
bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the
bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You
can really spread out there."

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work
out for Harry and me!" "Well, Ma'am, none of us can
guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several
different positions and I shoot from six or seven
angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"My, that's a lot!" gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time.
I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm
sure you'd be disappointed with that." "Don't I know
it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a
portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the
top of a bus," he said.
"Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her
throat.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when
you consider their mother was so difficult to work
with."
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so I finally had to take her to the
park to get the job done right. People were crowding
around four and five deep to get a good look"

"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide
with amazement.
"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than
three hours, too.
The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I
could hardly
concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to
rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began
nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all
in." Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they
actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?"

"It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll
set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away."
"Tripod?"
"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my
Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand
very long."

A BOSS WALKED INTO THE OFFICE ONE MORNING NOT KNOWING THAT HIS ZIPPER WAS DOWN AND HIS FLY AREA WAS WIDE OPEN. HIS SECRETARY WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID, "BOSS, THIS MORNING WHEN YOU LEFT YOUR HOUSE, DID YOU CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR?" THIS WAS NOT A PHRASE THAT HER BOSS UNDERSTOOD, SO HE WENT INTO HIS OFFICE, LOOKING A BIT PUZZLED.
WHEN HE WAS ABOUT DONE WITH HIS PAPERWORK, HE SUDDENLY NOTICED THAT HIS ZIPPER WAS WIDE OPEN! HE ZIPPED UP AND REMEMBERING WHAT THE SECRETARY TOLD HIM, HE FINALLY UNDERSTOOD, THE BOSS INTENTIONALLY WENT OUT TO ASK FOR A CUP OF COFFEE FROM HIS SECRETARY. UPON REACHING HER DESK, HE SAID,"WHEN YOU SAW THE GARAGE DOOR OPEN, DID YOU SEE MY "HUMMER" PARKED IN THERE?" THE SECRETARY SMILED FOR A MOMENT,"NO BOSS I DIDN'T, ALL I SAW WAS A MINI VAN WITH 2 FLAT TIRES."

A PSC member decides to start up a chicken farm, so he buys a hundred chickens to get up and running.
A month later he returns to the dealer to get another hundred chickens because the first lot had died.
Another month passes and he's back at the dealers for another hundred chickens, "I think I know where I'm going wrong" he tells the dealer,
"I think I'm planting them too deep."